In what can only be described as the most pressing issue of our time, conservative influencer and professional bath-taker Ashley St. Clair has come forward claiming she's birthed the 13th installment in Elon Musk's unstoppable quest to single-handedly repopulate the planet.
And honestly? Good for him.
Look, people are acting shocked that the world's richest man, who literally named his company after a celebrated inventor who died alone in a hotel room with a pigeon, might have fathered another child. But let's be real - this is a man who's launching rockets into space while tweeting memes at 3 AM.
Of course, he's going to have a baker's dozen of children. It's called being an alpha, sweetheart.
St. Clair, who reportedly met Musk after he "slid into her DMs" with what she describes as "a meme" (because how else would the Tesla CEO court someone?), claims she was sworn to secrecy faster than you can say "hostile takeover of a social media platform." She was given a luxury Manhattan apartment that costs more per month than most people's annual salary, which honestly seems like a bargain for housing a potential heir to the Mars colony.
The real kicker? She couldn't even take the baby for walks. That's right - while other new mothers are posting their "hot mom walks" on TikTok, St. Clair was basically in a witness protection program for successful reproduction. The sacrifices we make for advancing the human species, am I right?
And let's talk about the timing - she revealed all this because some tabloid was about to break the story. Classic media move, trying to interfere with a man's constitutional right to populate the earth with future tech entrepreneurs. Don't they know we need these children to colonize Mars? Does anyone think these Mars colonies are going to staff themselves?
The cherry on top? St. Clair has written a children's book about an elephant who likes to sing but isn't actually a bird. Which, if you think about it, is exactly the kind of literature you'd expect from someone in Musk's orbit. It's like a SpaceX mission brief but with more pictures.
Meanwhile, Musk has responded to these claims with his signature move: posting completely unrelated content on X (formerly Twitter, currently his $44 billion group chat). Because when you're busy trying to upload human consciousness into robots, these kinds of announcements are basically just Tuesday.
Let's be honest - in a world where we're facing declining birth rates, shouldn't we be thanking Elon for doing his part? The man is single-handedly ensuring that future generations will have enough Musks to maintain a healthy ecosystem of controversial tweets and electronic vehicle innovations.
And to all the haters saying he should acknowledge the child publicly - have you considered that maybe he's just waiting for the right meme format to announce it? These things take time, people. You can't just post any old SpongeBob template for news this big.
In conclusion, if having 13 children with various partners while running multiple world-changing companies and sh*tposting on the internet is wrong, then maybe we're the ones who need to recalibrate our definition of right. This is what peak performance looks like in 2025, and frankly, we should all be taking notes.
This article was written while drinking a Crop Top Kafiyya Kambucha that's apparently a thing that exists now.
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