The Absolute Clown Show: How a Broke Smoke Shop Guy Became America's Dumbest Terrorist

Listen up! America has done it again. We've managed to produce another absolutely spectacular specimen of human garbage that makes you wonder if we're actively breeding morons in underground laboratories.

Meet Tarek Bazrouk - a 20-year-old walking disaster who apparently decided his life's mission was to become the most pathetic wannabe terrorist in New York City history. This guy's entire personality is basically a failed LinkedIn application mixed with a Hamas recruitment video.

Let me break this down for you: We've got a guy working at Exotic Clouds - which sounds like the most depressing vape shop in Connecticut - who somehow thought he was going to be a serious political operator. He's got $750,000 in cash from selling what I can only assume are the world's most mediocre marijuana products, a collection of knives that screams "I watched too many Steven Seagal movies," and a direct line to Hamas' PR department.

Classic. American. Dream.

The best part? This absolute clown was running around Columbia University - a place that costs $90,000 a year to attend - wearing a green Hamas headband like he's cosplaying as a discount revolutionary. He's texting his buddies about potentially setting someone on fire, but decides there are "too many people around." OH, WELL THANK GOD FOR CROWD DENSITY, RIGHT?

The federal documents read like a comedy script. This guy has pictures of terrorist leaders on his phone, sends messages calling Jews "worthless," and thinks he's some kind of freedom fighter. News flash, buddy: You're not a freedom fighter. You're a smoke shop employee with delusions of grandeur

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And let's talk about his travel history. He spent three weeks in the West Bank and Jordan. I've spent longer periods of time in my own apartment, and I'm considered a shut-in. What was he doing? Networking? Taking terror selfies? Trying to find himself?

The absolute cherry on top of this mental health sundae? Columbia University's response. They're like, "We have NO RECORD of him being a student." No shit. This guy looks like he was rejected from community college, let alone an Ivy League institution.

Oren Segal from the Anti-Defamation League put it perfectly: Groups are basically acting as "Hamas' foot soldiers" without even realizing it. It's like joining a multi-level marketing scheme, but instead of selling essential oils, you're selling poorly thought-out political rage

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Here's the real American tragedy: This guy thought he was going to be some kind of revolutionary, and he's going to end up as a cautionary tale. Facing 30 years in prison, all because he couldn't control his rage and thought wearing a keffiyeh made him look tough.

God bless America. We are truly the world champions of producing absolutely unhinged content.

Disclaimer: This is satire. I'm a comedian. Don't @ Me