🚢 Pigs of the Instagram Sea:

When $4 Million Buys You a Vertical Yacht Experience

TL;DR: Thirty-two influencers living their best life aboard a $4 million Lamborghini yacht discovered that Miami's waters don't care about your follower count when Mother Nature decides to play submarine simulator.

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Well, well, well. What do we have here? A $4 million dollar floating piece of Italian engineering that decided it wanted to experience life as an algae farm. Shocking! Who could have predicted that putting 32 people who probably think quinoa is an exotic grain aboard a glorified speedboat would end poorly?

The Yacht Life™

Let me paint you a picture of what went down Saturday afternoon off Miami Beach. Picture this: Star Island, where the only thing more inflated than the real estate prices are the egos, becomes the backdrop for what can only be described as an impromptu remake of "Titanic," except everyone's wearing bikinis and trying to keep their ring lights above water.

This wasn't just any yacht. No, this was a Tecnomar for Lamborghini—because when you make cars with names that sound like Italian pasta dishes, why not make boats too? Only 63 feet long and limited to 11 in existence. You know, exclusive. Like herpes at a frat party.

The Instagram Iceberg

Here's the funniest part: As this $4 million monument to conspicuous consumption is actively trying to become a coral reef, what do our brave passengers do? They take selfies. Because nothing says "crisis management" like making sure your Valencia filter still works underwater.

"No f–ks given," one Instagram commenter brilliantly observed. "Everyone on the sinking yacht taking selfies."

Of course not! When you've spent $15,000 on a Brazilian butt lift, you're not letting a little maritime disaster ruin your aesthetic. These people probably have underwater ring lights pre-installed in their life vests.

Miami's Finest Water Feature

The Coast Guard shows up—God bless 'em—and what do they see? A $4 million boat standing nearly vertical in the water like it's doing yoga. "Cobra pose, bitch!" the yacht probably screamed before attempting to become an artificial reef.

Eyewitness Rachel Miller tells us she saw "a bunch of cop boats" and "another yacht that was flipped over, completely vertical." Yeah, Rachel, that's typically how boats look when they're trying to point to heaven.

The Conor McGregor Effect

Oh, and of course Conor McGregor owns one of these death traps. You know, the guy who fights people in cages bought himself a cage that floats. Brilliant. I'm sure he kicked the shit out of his yacht after finding out about this embarrassment. "You'll do fookin' nothing!" he probably screamed at the ocean.

Class Warfare on the High Seas

You know what's beautiful about the ocean? It doesn't care about your daddy's hedge fund. It doesn't care that you have 2 million followers. It doesn't care that you just got your lips done in Calabasas. The ocean looks at your Lamborghini yacht the same way it looks at a pool noodle—as something to eventually destroy.

Thirty-two people. Thirty-two! That's like, an entire yoga studio's worth of people who are now going to have to explain to their therapists why they developed aquaphobia after their "vibes-only" yacht day turned into "Poseidon Adventure: Miami Edition."

And you know what the saddest part is? The insurance claim is going to be higher than the GDP of some small countries. Meanwhile, actual poor people are out here using pool noodles as life vests and having more fun.

If there's one thing we can learn from this maritime comedy, it's that money can't buy you:

• Basic nautical safety

• The ability to swim

• A personality beyond "yacht owner"

• Protection from the ocean, which has been killing rich people since the beginning of time

And finally, if you're going to sink a $4 million yacht, at least have the decency to do it somewhere interesting. Not off Miami Beach, where the biggest excitement is usually when someone orders avocado toast without asking for it to be deconstructed.

God bless America, where even our yacht disasters are perfectly Instagram-able.