DISCLAIMER: This piece is a work of satirical fiction, just like Zo Ranny lunacy. Any resemblance to actual political campaigns, living politicians, or coherent economic policy is purely coincidental. All quotes, statistics, photos, and policy proposals are products of the author's imagination, except for the ones that aren't. The author assumes no responsibility for readers who mistake satire for actual journalism, though given the current state of political discourse, this confusion would be understandable. The sources of this story are real journalists DataRepublican , Bad Kitty, Insurrection Barbie and Stealth Medical.
Let’s talk about the world right now. Because it’s not enough that we’re all broke, angry, and mainlining TikTok like it’s Adderall for the soul we’ve also decided that every single problem on the planet, from sex trafficking to why your Uber Eats order is cold, is the result of a secret billionaire cabal, run by Diddy, Epstein, and, apparently, the Jews. Because that’s where we are: the American brain is now a Reddit thread with a head injury..
Let’s start with Diddy. Sean Combs. Puff Daddy. The man who cold-emailed Wall Street billionaires like a Nigerian prince with a Cîroc sponsorship. This guy rings the New York Stock Exchange bell, gets called an “inspiration” on par with the Founding Fathers, and has hedge fund managers mentoring him like he’s the next Alexander Hamilton. “He’s a genius!” they said. “He’s a tastemaker!” they said. “He’s the reason my son listens to music about yachts and prescription pills!” they said.
And then, of course, the feds show up. Suddenly, every investment banker who partied with Diddy in the Hamptons is like, “Who? Never met him. I was at a silent meditation retreat with Ray Dalio.” The man gets acquitted of the big charges—racketeering, sex trafficking, all the stuff that makes you a Netflix documentary in 2025—but convicted of “transportation to engage in prostitution.” Which in America, is basically the legal equivalent of getting a parking ticket for your private jet
.But does that stop the hysteria? No. Now everyone’s connecting dots like they’re in a QAnon escape room. “Diddy? Epstein? The Clintons? The Jews? It’s all connected!” People are blaming Jews for everything. The weather, the stock market, the fact that Starbucks ran out of oat milk. It’s like the entire country is playing a game of ‘Who Wants to Be a Scapegoat?’ and the answer is always, “Let’s spin the wheel and see if it lands on a Jewish name!”
And Epstein—let’s be honest, the only thing Americans love more than a conspiracy is a dead billionaire with a private island. You can’t even mention the word “island” anymore without someone bringing up Epstein. “Oh, you went to Hawaii? Did you see the tunnels?!” Meanwhile, Diddy’s parties were apparently “open secrets.” Everyone in Hollywood knew, but now they’re all silent, like, “I was busy launching a tequila brand with Mark Wahlberg. I didn’t see anything!”
But here’s the thing: nobody actually cares about the victims. It’s all about the spectacle. The memes. The hashtags. The endless, deranged speculation. “Who else is involved? Justin Bieber? The Democrats? The Illuminati?” Nobody knows, but everyone’s got a theory. Because the real American pastime isn’t baseball—it’s blaming someone, anyone, for the fact that you’re miserable and your 401(k) is worth less than a Sean John tracksuit at a Macy’s clearance sale.
So now, Diddy’s in court, Epstein’s a ghost haunting every group chat, and America is just losing its mind. And through it all, the only thing anyone can agree on is that it’s definitely not their fault. It’s the billionaires. Or the Jews. Or the billionaires who are Jews. Or maybe it’s just that we’re all living in a country that’s so desperate for meaning we’ll turn any scandal into a religion and any trial into a Super Bowl.
But hey, at least we’ve got something to talk about while we wait for the next Uber Eats order. Maybe Diddy’s delivering it. Maybe it’s Epstein’s ghost. Maybe it’s just your neighbor, blaming everything on the Jews because he read half an article on Facebook.
That’s America, baby. Enjoy the show
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